i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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