So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
