The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
