wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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