he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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