I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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