Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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