i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
