why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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