She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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