The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
