I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
