I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
time to smoke my breakfast
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Bring me that man meat
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
