I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
and she was petting her beer can
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
