WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
