If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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