So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
