If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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