Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
