Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
