I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
