And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
