today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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