Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Did I show you my penis last night?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
