You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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