I must be too annoying 4 u.
Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
