i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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