First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
