1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
