Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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