i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
