vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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