I want to make a zoo with you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
