I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
