a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
