I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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