a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
not ubering you a puppy
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
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