I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
