Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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