This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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