Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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