I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My dick has a subreddit
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
