you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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