Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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