I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
