jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
