I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
