Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
