if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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