just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
