then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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