i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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